Just Maui’d <3

Well… a month ago.  But I wanted to share a picture.

Less than 5 months, and I’m freaking out!!

Wellll, I am less than 5 months away from my wedding… and I don’t even have a dress yet! Now panic is starting to set in and I am starting to freak out…

Went to the store today to get a dental whitening kit and also some Hoof Stop the Bite nail polish… biting my nails is a really bad habit, one which I have had since I was around 5 years old!! 22 years later, I am still fighting to stop this awful habit!!

I am definitely optimistic that I will finally manage to overcome this nonsense… after all, I am now meant to become a wife, and hopefully in the near future, a mother!

Wish me luck on this venture. I really need it.

Last night was much fun and totally worth missing out on a night of studying. Took my sister to a benefit concert put on by Rebelution, who played an acoustic set. It was so great! Not only that, but they had an after party at the local Wahoo’s, where they met, talked to, and took pictures with their fans! It was so great that they had the show to benefit a local non-profit that encourages social justice! And to see how nice they were to everyone… It made it so much better. A huge thanks to my sister for the invite, and to the band for the great show!

There’s a lot going on, don’t know where to begin!

Well, wow, it’s been a while since I’ve written on here.  I guess it’s because I’ve been *trying* to keep an actual (as opposed to a virtual) journal.  That and the fact that I always have a hard time sharing thoughts and feelings publicly…

That said, big news–I’m engaged!  After 6 years, Matthew finally proposed.  :)  And with a gorgeous ring, I might add.  I absolutely love it.  Sometimes when I’m looking at it, I still can’t believe it.  The best part was where he proposed–at the cabin in Ocean Shores.  We go there every time I fly up to see him–it’s where we go to spend real quality time together and alone.  :)

I saw some friends today and I told them how scary the whole thing was.  I probably should have clarified… being engaged isn’t scary.  I’m happy.  Matt’s my best friend, and we’ve been through a lot but we’ve managed to get through it all!  I guess the part that scares me is that my life is going to change so drastically in the next year… For me, marriage isn’t just a wedding and an exchange of vows… it’s moving out of state, leaving my comfort zone behind, etc… and that’s all just madness, I tell you. MADNESS.

On the other hand, a lot can happen between now and then, so I’m trying really hard not to panic and freak out.

Work has been good–very hectic, but good.  Back in school for the fall, again.  Back to not having a life.  Haha, that part I’m not so thrilled about.  I do have a good feeling about this semester, though.  I’m trying not to jinx it by not talking about it too much, but I think everything is going to be a-ok.

Um… I’ve also been trying to dress more presentable at work.  It’s not easy.  I’m not really a “glamour girl” and don’t really like to spend a lot of time putting on makeup or doing my hair in the mornings.  However, I know it’s something I need to train myself how to do… I ordered some really cool eyeshadows today (I spent less than $10!) and I look forward to getting them in the mail.

Other than that, same old same old.  Still living in Tarzana.  Matt’s still living in Washington…  He’s actually in Italy with his family right now.  I hope he’s having a blast!

And me–I’m looking forward to a crazy semester and to a Vegas trip with my girlfriends in October.  This time, I’m buying my booze here and bringing it with me.  Booze in Vegas is pricey–just trying to get prepared.  What will I bring?  Some Vodka and some Sambuca!!  Vodka to share and Sambuca because it aaaalways hits the spot.

Well, that’s all for now.
Happy Sunday!

Could be better… I suppose I could always be worse…

I’m talking to a friend of mine, and we’re discussing how weird it is that we’re both surrounded by people but we feel absolutely lonely… And that’s me now.

I’ve come to realize that being in a relationship is kind of overrated, and should be handled with care… no need to rush, people. No need to rush. The handful of months I spent being single after being in a long-term relationship were more precious than I realized… not because of the possibility of meeting another man… but simply because I had time to spend on myself…because all of my energy was spent making myself happy, not trying to depend on anyone else for any kind of happiness.

It was entirely up to me!

And for one final thought, I leave you with the following lyrics from Savage Garden’s Affirmation:

“I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye.”

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you…

Man, I’m just getting beat up this year – one thing after another.

I can’t go into details as this is a public blog (yes – most anything that is posted online can be viewed by someone). I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m actually becoming bitter over my situation… I mean, come ON. What is it that I’ve done to the world that warrants this nonsense?

I think I’m a smart girl, a caring girl, a loving girl… A smart girl who can’t just listen to her mind.

Kiss me goodbye… I think I’ll trying defying gravity.

i am so conflicted…

do i follow through or let it be?
i’m so in love but who knows if he feels the same way?
i tried talking to him about it, but it doesn’t seem to be working…

doesn’t somebody want to be wanted like me?

Third (day) is the charm…

Three days of my boyfriend moving out of state and it’s getting a bit easier to deal with. I still miss him, and it still hurts when I think about it… but overall I would say that (hopefully) this will only get easier.

We have been talking/texting frequently, so I think that puts me at ease more so than if we didn’t. At the same time, it’s just not the same. I miss coming home and sharing about our day, and if one of us had a rough time, the other would be there to lend a hug and a kiss and say that everything is going to be OK.

Now all I have to look forward to is a phone call – and I miss his precense much more than I expected too. I hope he feels the same about me.

1,000+ miles, why won’t my heart let go?

It’s quiet here in my room. There’s a buzzing in the distance… maybe an air conditioner from a nearby apartment? Perhaps it’s in my head. The buzzing I mean. It’s getting harder and harder to tell what is real and what isn’t real.

As I sit in front of my laptop, the little blue blinking light is alerting me that, yes, I am in fact connected to the wireless internet. Thank you, little blue light. Whatever would I do without you?

I’ve got a huge knot in my stomach, and it’s not something that I can undo. I’m missing a certain someone, yet at the same time I’m figuratively kicking myself in the rear for not just moving on with my life. Does that mean that I want him out of my life? Not at all. But it’s been so difficult going to sleep without feeling him next to me, and it’s even harder to wake up and know he’s long gone. He’ll be back in his home state in just a few hours, and what was already permanent becomes engraved in stone. He’s not coming back, but will he come back for me?

While all this is happening, and as another stupid tear rolls down my face (my eyes and the skin around my eyes is burning from all the crying I’ve done the last few days), I can feel my heart beating in my ears. It’s so loud. My own heartbeat? Why is it so erratic? Why can’t I just not care?

I love too much, I love too hard, and in the end I always end up crying with a broken heart.

As I sit here and listen to him making his plans…

I can’t help but want to get teary eyed, though I won’t, because I try not to cry unless I absolutely have to.

Fine, who am I kidding? I’m a cry baby.

It feels like it’s all moving so fast, and I know that’s it’s a change that’s so good for me… but at the same time, this is going to be so difficult for me. It’s hard for me to stay in a committed relationship because I’ve seen so much hurt and pain in relationships… and now I’m being thrown in a situation where I’m looking to be in a long-distance, long-term relationship?…

What makes this so difficult? Maybe it’s because everyone around me is settling in, getting engaged, married, starting their families… and I feel like I’m still going through a puberty of sorts. I’m still dealing with growing up and becoming a mature young woman.

I haven’t been wanting to accept the fact that this is happening, but I can’t stop it, it is happening. I’ve been in denial for long enough.

I have no shame in saying this isn’t easy for me, it’s not. Why should I have to hide and pretend like I don’t care about what’s happening, that none of this matters to me… of course it matters to me. Why is it that everyone is settling into their lives, and I’m still stumbling?

It’s something I would love to have, that partnership with someone where we work hand in hand for what we’ll have together… I don’t know, this is all too much to deal with. I want to try and just pretend like I don’t care.

Fine, I don’t care.