The light from my computer monitor was starting to make me cry.  Out of the corner of my eye, a blinking red light continued to inform me of important calls that I’d missed.  On any other day, I might have done the impossible to stop that light from blinking, but today, it didn’t make a bit of difference.

 The sun is creeping through the front door, taunting the fact that I am unable to enjoy its warmth for another four hours and, by that time of course, it will have started its slumber process.  No sun for me.  Does that mean no light in my life either?

That’s how I was feeling at that time.  All I could do was look at the sun shining in, unable to touch it, unable to feel it… unable to enjoy it.  I felt trapped.  All around me were buzzing machines and lights that are awkward to a human’s eyes… voices that mumbled… And all the while I could hear the beating of my own heart… patronizing me… laughing at me… telling me I was nothing but a joke.

For the first time in a long time that day… I felt as if there was no hope.  I felt as if my wishes and dreams of a better life had occurred to me in a brief moment of insanity.  It was almost as if someone had ripped those dreams right out of my heart… and the beating of it was like a drum of war… war against what?  Against who?  Against myself.

I am at war against the one person in whom I should believe in above all.