Dear someone,

This letter is to inform you that I am proceeding with caution where we are concerned.  Today something happened that gave me that same feeling I once had, and I didn’t like it, not one bit.  I want to learn to trust you but I will not make the same mistake twice.  I trusted you once and you let me down.  I trusted you again and you continued to hurt me. 

 Do not think that anything is a guarantee.  Do not, by any means, think that me in your life again will happen.  It hasn’t even been a week and already I’m starting to wonder if talking to you again was ever the right choice.  “We,” in all senses of the word, are on thin ice; one tiny crack and I am running away, and for good. 

This is all a “by chance” thing.  If I’m still able to get these feelings of “caution,” I’m still able to push it as far away as humanly possible.

Somehow I feel let down because I feel like I somehow believed what you said.  Then I realized you probably said the same thing to your last girlfriend, and you do so because you don’t want to be alone in between relationships.  If that’s the case (and be honest with yourself), then please leave me alone.  I do not want to be part of your “back up” plan.  I will not ever be that.  Honestly, if you’re still out doing that and you just want me there so you don’t feel lonely, just leave me alone.  Leave me be.  I’m fine where I am; don’t go rocking my boat.

In the meantime, I will be avoiding you for a while.  Don’t bother.  This was probably a bad idea anyway.

Goodbye,

The One Who Once Trusted

Last night, as I was taking my leisurely drive around beautiful Santa Barbara (read: I had to buy groceries), I tuned into 104.3 right when Prince’s “1999″ song started playing.  (By the way, when did he change his name back to Prince after “The Artist Formerly Known As…”??  I guess it didn’t work out.)  So I started jamming along, of course, only to stop and think… where on earth was I in 1999?  What was I doing?  With whom was I hanging out?  What were my priorities??

So I ask you, cyber people… what were YOU doing in 1999? 

Last night I got asked a very important question.  He asked me “How do you know it won’t happen again?”  For that, I have an answer.  But first, some background information.

 In my last serious romantic relationship, at the end I became everything I NEVER wanted to become (read: complete and total bitch).  I dreaded every becoming “that girl,” but guess what, I did.  The frightening thing is, it was out of my control.  I completely lost my footing.  And that scared me more than I could ever describe…

 So, here I am, what, two months later.  Things get better.  I found a great job, I’m going out, I’m eating healthier, exercising… I changed the way I dress, I changed the way I do my hair (read: ever seen me with curls?), and overall I try to smile more.  I believe in trying to be a good, decent person; and happy, to boot!

So how do I know it won’t happen again?  It’s simple; here’s what I figured out.  For one, I know the warning signs in a boy, now.  I know what to look for and what he’ll say and why certain things will tell me “stop right now, thank you very much.”  Little things; like, if he freaks out that I go hang out with my best girlfriend whom I’ve known for 18 years, WHOA.  No good.  The moment any guy tells me who I am and am not allowed to talk to is the moment I walk out that door.  Simply put, it’ll be my way.

Now, I’m not saying that I’ll spend every waking moment with other people… but I did lose touch with a lot of great folks simply because he didn’t want me to hang out with other people because, and I quote, “if you spend a lot of time with other people, we’ll break up.”  Um, yeah.  We broke up ANYWAY.

Next: if thou lays a single finger on me in a way where it hurts me, it’s ON.  Never before have I ever let a man touch me in the ways he touched me, and never again will it happen.  And if you think that it’s okay to ever touch a girl like that and leave bruises, guess what: IT’S NOT.  (Unfortunately, there were a couple of instances where I did end up slapping him… and I deeply regret that because I know it hurt him.  And that’s something I’ll never do again.  That said, it’s not okay for the woman to hit the man either; it’s equally abusive.)

Okay, so, now we place the main character inside a seemingly abusive, co-dependent relationship.  Do you wonder why I went crazy?  Here’s a guy who freaked out at my birthday dinner two years ago and ended up throwing a chair in the restaurant, consequently getting kicked out.  Here’s a guy who would rather come home after work and have a drink than go out and take a walk somewhere.  I mean, come on.

He was affectionate, though.  And those kisses, wow, they drove me wild.  He would just place his hands on my back and I swear I floated on air.  And that’s what I miss – that feeling of heaven when you’re with the one you love.  I loved everything about him.  I loved his smile, his laugh, the silly voices he’d make, the way he looked when he got up early in the morning… the way he would cuddle up to me in the middle of the night and nuzzle my neck.  I loved every bit of it.

That said, I look forward to a relationship that will be the good stuff with none of the major bad stuff.  I mean, look, he says that I didn’t trust him… but I guess he didn’t trust me either if he wouldn’t even allow me to have friends who weren’t him.  Will it happen again?  No.  Why?  Because I won’t let it. 

 No person is perfect, and no relationship is perfect.  But this situation and this breakup has taught me something very important: I have to look out for me, and although I also have to compromise (a relationship, of course, does take some work), I will not compromise my beliefs, my emotions, my well-being for someone… I sacrificed and gave up so much for this guy, and now he treats me as if I’d been a druggie, cheating on him at all times of the day, draining his wallet by making him buy me expensive and useless things… And, although I did lose my temper on occasion and I just got so UPSET, I guess the thing I was really most guilty of was loving him too much.