After the breakup « Getting Past Your Past

 Wow.  I see so many signs telling me that I need to move on; that holding on to this is so unhealthy.  My heart doesn’t want to let go.  My heart doesn’t want to believe that the person that I built my whole world around actually left me, and continues to string me along.  Yet, here I am, in my office, with tears rolling down my face.  Baby, I love you, I’ve ALWAYS loved you – that’s why this hurts.  I wasn’t perfect, but I would have given my life for you.  This knot in my stomach, reminscent of all those other knots I felt in our relationship, is KILLING my inside.  Whenever I get that feeling, I start to wonder… I want you to be happy, but I also want MYSELF to be happy.  It’s not fair that I sit here and cry and miss you, when you’re over there doing whatever it is you do, and only really talking to me after every one else is gone.  If you really did love me, you’d show it, and you’d prove it and, most likely, we’d still be together.

If you’ve let me go, then let me go completely.  If you’ve met other girls that fill that friendship void, that’s fantastic.  I’ve done the same.  So then, just let it be.  And don’t throw a fuss because I don’t answer your calls, or because I don’t reply to your IMs, or because I don’t text you back right away.  YOU’RE the one that said you didn’t want me anymore, so then deal with the fact that you’ve lost me for good.

 As much as my heart wants me to say that you and I still have a chance… I know deep inside that our chance has come and gone.  You booted me when I was at my lowest point, sending me even lower… but I bounced back quickly and I want it to remain that way.

I want a real love… a want a respectful love… I want someone that can return the affection.  I truly feel that I deserve that, and I know in my heart of hearts that I will love again.  And he will be so good for me.  We’ll be good for each other; there will not be a single doubt.  I can’t wait to meet the man who thinks I’m wonderful, and beautiful, and intelligent, and sweet… and I can’t wait to meet the man that with whom I can have a family.  He’ll be a great husband and a great father; we’ll always be on each other’s teams.  I’ll grow old with him and we’ll be empty nesters together.  We’ll travel and laugh while sitting on our porch drinking lemonade.

 He’ll hold me close at night when we sleep, and maybe sometimes get up and make us coffee in the morning.  When I cry, he’ll bring me tissues and hold my hand.  When I’m sad, he’ll do something silly to make me laugh.  Yes, we’ll have stupid arguments, but then we’ll realize how stupid they are and laugh about it.  We’ll laugh and laugh and love and laugh some more.

 I’ll tell him that I’m worried about something, and he won’t push it to the side like it doesn’t matter.  He’ll show me that he cares with little things, likes notes and phone calls.  He’ll know my favorite flower and how I like my coffee.  When he’s working at home, I’ll rub his shoulders and make sure he has what he needs.

We’ll go jogging together at the beach and watch the sun set.  We’ll have picnics.  I’ll go visit him at work and he’ll come visit me at work.  I’ll bring him lunch and sometimes make him sandwiches.

 We’ll have nights where we drink wine and watch movies all night.  He’ll never call me names or yell at me when I ask him something.  He’ll be loyal and faithful.  We’ll still be individuals but we’ll be individuals in love with each other.

 He’ll be proud to hold my hand and let people know that he loves me, and I’ll do the same.  He’ll say the right things at the right time.  I’ll be his biggest fan, and he’ll be mine.

I can’t wait to find that.  It may take a while, but I know he’ll be worth it.

I will love again, heaven only knows.