do i follow through or let it be?
i’m so in love but who knows if he feels the same way?
i tried talking to him about it, but it doesn’t seem to be working…

doesn’t somebody want to be wanted like me?

Three days of my boyfriend moving out of state and it’s getting a bit easier to deal with. I still miss him, and it still hurts when I think about it… but overall I would say that (hopefully) this will only get easier.

We have been talking/texting frequently, so I think that puts me at ease more so than if we didn’t. At the same time, it’s just not the same. I miss coming home and sharing about our day, and if one of us had a rough time, the other would be there to lend a hug and a kiss and say that everything is going to be OK.

Now all I have to look forward to is a phone call – and I miss his precense much more than I expected too. I hope he feels the same about me.

It’s quiet here in my room. There’s a buzzing in the distance… maybe an air conditioner from a nearby apartment? Perhaps it’s in my head. The buzzing I mean. It’s getting harder and harder to tell what is real and what isn’t real.

As I sit in front of my laptop, the little blue blinking light is alerting me that, yes, I am in fact connected to the wireless internet. Thank you, little blue light. Whatever would I do without you?

I’ve got a huge knot in my stomach, and it’s not something that I can undo. I’m missing a certain someone, yet at the same time I’m figuratively kicking myself in the rear for not just moving on with my life. Does that mean that I want him out of my life? Not at all. But it’s been so difficult going to sleep without feeling him next to me, and it’s even harder to wake up and know he’s long gone. He’ll be back in his home state in just a few hours, and what was already permanent becomes engraved in stone. He’s not coming back, but will he come back for me?

While all this is happening, and as another stupid tear rolls down my face (my eyes and the skin around my eyes is burning from all the crying I’ve done the last few days), I can feel my heart beating in my ears. It’s so loud. My own heartbeat? Why is it so erratic? Why can’t I just not care?

I love too much, I love too hard, and in the end I always end up crying with a broken heart.

I can’t help but want to get teary eyed, though I won’t, because I try not to cry unless I absolutely have to.

Fine, who am I kidding? I’m a cry baby.

It feels like it’s all moving so fast, and I know that’s it’s a change that’s so good for me… but at the same time, this is going to be so difficult for me. It’s hard for me to stay in a committed relationship because I’ve seen so much hurt and pain in relationships… and now I’m being thrown in a situation where I’m looking to be in a long-distance, long-term relationship?…

What makes this so difficult? Maybe it’s because everyone around me is settling in, getting engaged, married, starting their families… and I feel like I’m still going through a puberty of sorts. I’m still dealing with growing up and becoming a mature young woman.

I haven’t been wanting to accept the fact that this is happening, but I can’t stop it, it is happening. I’ve been in denial for long enough.

I have no shame in saying this isn’t easy for me, it’s not. Why should I have to hide and pretend like I don’t care about what’s happening, that none of this matters to me… of course it matters to me. Why is it that everyone is settling into their lives, and I’m still stumbling?

It’s something I would love to have, that partnership with someone where we work hand in hand for what we’ll have together… I don’t know, this is all too much to deal with. I want to try and just pretend like I don’t care.

Fine, I don’t care.

I’ve reached that place. I’ve gotten to the point where I wonder why my life has become stagnant. Is it me? Is it my universe? Is it because I haven’t let myself get anywhere?

I feel like a spend a good portion of my day working toward my goals… and I have reached some of them… and slowly but surely, my life seems to finally be coming together.

Yet I continue to feel like I’m not allowing myself or my heart or my soul to reach its full potential. Is it my self-esteem? I can confidently say that my self-esteem is the lowest it has been… ever.

I feel disgusting, like a 40 year old woman (almost twice my actual age), and I used to think it was because maybe I was an old soul. Now I’m not so sure. I think I really am just that bland, and I really do lack that character. My smile used to make me feel better – I used to smile and it was like my heart was smile. I no longer feel that connection.

I cannot blame my surroundings – after all, I have been in the same area for so long… it couldn’t possibly be it.

Or could it?

Is it all because I just need a change of scenery? Do I just need to explore, see, think… FEEL? Feelings. Feelings. I used to thrive off my emotions. Now my emotions only make me feel worse than before. It feels like I am living in a crazy maze, no entrance, no way out… no way to get through it without getting thorns in my side.

In the meantime I sit back … and I’m watching everyone around me find the love of their lives, settle down… have families. Why can’t I get that? Sometimes I feel like maybe I just don’t deserve that, like I’m not meant to have that… but my heart wants that more than anything.

No wonder I get so excited when other people get engaged, married, pregnant. I feel like I can share in their excitement… but I want my own.

It’s not security, or assurance of anything… there are no guarantees. All I’ve ever wanted is to love someone who loves me – someone who wants to share in my happiness, and share in our happiness. I’m surrounded by such loving people, and yet I feel so totally alone…

I do have to say though, and I smile as I type this, that in the last year I have met people who are amazing and kind. And genuine. And don’t expect anything in return.

I guess in a way I’m pretty lucky. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that can ever be fully satisfied?

Satisfaction is a funny word, actually. Satisfied. I don’t want to be satisfied. I want to be happier than I’ve ever been. I want to struggle, and see the light at the end of the tunnel and SUCCEED.

Success is not financial. I want to have a loving family, I want to be someone’s wife, someone’s mother… I want to be at THAT place… where I can sit back and smile. And feel happy with where I am.

I can’t look back. You can’t edit your life. You can’t change the words already written on the page. There is no such thing as “correction fluid” in real life. So I guess in a way, all we can really do is… change the words using our own ink. Wow, is that weird? One beer too many? Who knows. Secretly I’ve always wanted to be able to get drunk and go off on some drunken writer’s rage where I just write and write and write… and express. And Feel. And Think. And Share.

maybe next time.

For starters, I am really glad it’s Friday. Have I said that yet? It’s been a rough week. Between having midterms, almost getting a cold, and the usual stress that comes with working in an office setting… well, let’s just say that I had to take a moment this evening just to relax and breathe…

Granted, that didn’t last very long, since I immediately had to go run errands and do some of the things that I didn’t have a chance to do this week. In addition, I work early tomorrow morning (the 2nd job) and I’m already worn out.

In happier news, my baby sister is turning 9 on Monday. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I remember when she was born, and it really does seem like it just happened yesterday. She’s such a little grown-up… My main concern with my sister is that she’s just like me in that she always puts others before herself….

Although I highly value the fact that she cares so much, I’d also like to show her that it’s okay to think of yourself first (even sometimes).

By the way, on a somewhat different note… everyone around me is having babies.

Hm, maybe I just need a drink.

Well, okay, that’s great and all… but you know, sometimes you just need to vent.

For starters, today was a rough day. Not only did I wake up with a tremendous hangover, but then I had to go to work… I love my second job (the product + the people). The rude customers? Not so much. But without the bad you wouldn’t really appreciate the good, right? Well, I don’t quite know how true that is.

Last night was awesome. My awesome people and some drinkies and delish food really made for a fantastic Friday.

There was some stuff that I really wanted to vent about… of course now I’m having difficulty remembering it all.

Basically, people are kind of dumb and oblivious to their surroundings. That irks me beyond belief. It’s like when someone’s driving – and they’re so focused on the road ahead (or, their phone convo) that they don’t bother checking their blind spots or something… and all of a sudden they are swerving into your lane… and when you give them a dirty look, they look at you like you’re the one who’s doing something wrong.
OH, that reminds me. So today I went to Target to pick up a few items. I only had three things so I went to the Express lane. There are two registers (one right in front of the other). I stood behind what looked like the line. I was on the phone with my mom (and when I’m on the phone with her, I often speak Spanish because that’s just how it goes). I see the people in front of the people in front of me move up to the register, and I (nicely) ask the two women in front of me if they’re in line. One of them GLARED at me. And I glared back. I didn’t understand what her problem was. The line moved up, but they didn’t move. And they were looking at their items like they were still shopping.

What was funny was that after they moved up to the cashier, that same lady was still staring at me. I just thought that was kind of funny. Since when is it wrong to ask someone if they’re in line? I thought it would be the polite thing to do.

But screeeeew that.
Oh, and my honu necklace from Maui is awesome. Seriously, that little turtle brings me good vibes. I feel so positive and happy when I wear it! And it brings a lot of positive attention. A customer today even told me that it was “rad.” She was a bit older too, which I found odd. But hey, all the more power to her! =)

I talked to a friend of mine last night that I haven’t talked to in a really long time. It was nice to chat with him – he is one of those people that I figured would always be in my life in some way. We met when we were really young. Anyway, the point is… that just talking to him about certain things… man… I kept telling him how young we are and how it’s never to late (to pick up a new hobby, for instance)… and I realized that I was right! But, why is it that… I can tell other people that and believe it… but I can’t seem to do it for myself?
What stops me?

Well, I think that’s all I had to say for tonight. I’m trying to think (seriously) positive thoughts… and just be optimistic and not be fake about it.

All I want is for it all to be real.

a very lonely holiday season is upon me.

I do have a few days off where I can go home and see family… but when I come back I’m going to be all by myself.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised.  I’m the only one who wouldn’t want to leave my loved ones alone.

Am I the reason my life is so lonely?

I wish this week would end.

Between my job (read: frustrating), my other job (read: payroll specialists should know better), my mother being in the hospital (the same week as my sister, no less), the pain, the stress, the disbelief at being called DUMB… I wonder what motivates me to get up in the morning.

What do I need?  What do I want?  I don’t know.

Maybe I just need to step away and look at the bigger picture.  Maybe I just need to shrug it all off.  Maybe I know better.  Maybe.  Maybe…

Maybe this is one of the challenges I face, one that I will overcome.
Maybe I’ll see a better day tomorrow, maybe I’ll just stay home.

I give and give and get nothing in return (in all aspects of my life).  I care so much about others that it hurts me when they hurt.  I’ve been praying a lot today – very unusual for me, but I felt the need.

I feel the urge to do so, to wish well on others, and all the while the self-centered part of me is asking “So who’s out there wishing well on you?”

I certainly don’t appreciate being called a “ditz” by a woman who cannot even spend a few days in her home alone because her husband is not home.  Maybe that’s a mean thing to say… but even if I didn’t finish school, that does NOT make me a ditz.  Don’t people know that?
Do I really come across like that?  If I do, I want to know – better to hear it from people whose opinions I value.

But maybe I’ve just been fooling myself this whole time, maybe I’ve just been thinking that… well, I don’t know.

Work all day tomorrow (13 hours straight) and then work first thing Saturday morning.  I’ve had a sharp pain in my skull, near my temples, nothing will take it away…

Just when I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m not totally crazy and maybe it’s all starting to work out…

I find out I’m completely mistaken.

Go figure, eh?

Might as well go to sleep – looong day tomorrow.